When Pretending To Know Usain Bolt Goes Horribly Wrong

Tweet about this on TwitterShare on Facebook179Share on Google+2Share on LinkedIn0Email this to someonePin on Pinterest1Digg thisPrint this page

decorative-lines-25_large

‘Bolt is to track what Ali is to boxing, Jordan is to basketball and Obama is to politics.’ #Excellence #Trailblazer #Magnetic #GreatestOfAllTime

Anika Emmanuel

13907184_10155101998358858_5369862345752758529_n

decorative-lines-25_large

Last year, I wrote a blog entitled: ‘Why I Pretend To Know Usain Bolt’. In it, I described my experiences in Japan and told you how pretending to know the legend has made my life much easier. Revisit blog here.

Last month, when he once again slayed at the 2016 Rio Olympics, silenced his critics and solidified his legend status in the history books, I wrote the following stat on my Facebook page:

big

Now, this was done in jest!

Melisa Clarke-Thompson and all 541 people on my ‘friends’ list know this. They should! It’s a carefully vetted, carefully selected, list of unique individuals who are there solely based on the fact that ‘mi spirit tek them’ as well as their ability to be seriously fool-fool.

So, of course, I didn’t expect anyone to believe me. ‘Cause as said, all 541 people on my ‘friends’ list know Usain Bolt is NOT my cousin! At least, that’s what I thought.

decorative-lines-25_large

Meet the lovely Rosa.

13055474_1281503448530959_1995431425006128868_n

Rosa is an awesome Filipina lady I have the pleasure of working with from time to time.

After vetting her, I realized she had the capacity to be as nonsensical as I am so I didn’t hesitate to add her to the list. Not once did I think that the lovely Rosa would buy into my lie (which was intended as a joke) till we were both sent on the same assignment last week.

decorative-lines-25_large

Place:         Prestigious All Girl’s Private School

Location:   Komagome, Tokyo

Duration:  Three Days

decorative-lines-25_large

Day one went according to plan. We met the girls, carried out assigned tasks, and went home. On day two, once again, we followed procedure. All was going well. Then, half an hour before my day came to an end — MAYHEM!

I was doing a presentation about my country as is norm when you meet new students in a Japanese school setting. Ironically, I was in the middle of talking about Usain when I looked up and realized the corridor was filled with kids. They were ALL pushing and shoving in an attempt to peer at me through the screen door.

Let me repeat re-type that. Meek, mild, ‘I can’t speak any louder than this’ Japanese School Girls from a private Catholic School were shouting, pushing and shoving.

I’d never seen anything like it in my 16 months in Japan. Not in an earthquake drill. Not in a fire drill. Never.

Something was very wrong.

Then through the crowd, I saw Rosa’s head. She was pointing at the board where Usain Bolt’s name was written under the heading ‘Track and Field’.

“See! See!” She was as excited as the kids. “I told you!”

I stopped my class. Mouthed to Rosa, “Told them what?”

She mouthed back, “That you are Usain Bolt’s cousin.”

200_s

This is how being caught in a lie (that was intended as a joke) feels—

Like waking up in your own vomit after a severe hangover. Like seeing your boss at the movies on the same day that you called in sick. Like having a doctor reveal you’re pregnant when you’ve successfully convinced your mother you’re still a virgin. Like a marriage built on structure, pattern and routine. Like Justin Gatlin after being beaten time and time again by Usain Bolt — horrible — just horrible!!!

decorative-lines-25_large

The kids in my class started staring at me. They too were now speaking loudly in Japanese. The only word I could recognize was ‘Bolto’.

Then, as if in slow motion, my kids stood and started moving towards me. The kids on the outside pushed the doors open. Some started snapping pictures. Some started hugging me. Some were crying as they touched me. I’d never been in such panic mode in my entire life.

“Rosa! He’s not my cousin. Tell them he’s not my cousin. Rosa. Rosaaaaaaa!!!”

Rosa had disappeared. I was left in a room with crying, screaming, girls who were begging:

“Pullleesse, pulleese, pulleese sign book.”

“Pullleesse, pulleese, pulleese sign paper.”

What was I to do? I signed autographs till my hands were numb.

big-ting-just-for-you-3

When the bell chimed for dismissal, I ran to the teacher’s room, grabbed my bag and ran through the streets of Tokyo like a mad woman.

decorative-lines-25_large

Needless to say, I didn’t sleep that night. Thoughts of seeing the students the next day kept me awake. Finally, I reached out to Rosa (who by now was apologizing profusely) and asked her to tell her students I was not Usain’s cousin. Then, I sent an email asking a teacher who spoke fluent Japanese to make the announcement to the other students.

decorative-lines-25_large

I arrived at school on my third and final day nervous, but determined to stop the lie (that was intended as a joke). Thankfully, when the explanation was given, they took it better than I thought. Some still wanted me to sign their notebooks because I was from Jamaica, some still wanted to talk to me about ‘Bolto’ and some still presented me with gifts.

a33b9babc48fbd6892b53e0cbb3e5696

Till next time — wait—

To the Management Team: Please note that no monetary gifts were accepted (I swear all I got were chocolates and some salty, biscuity thingy). Also note that I will never sign on behalf of Usain again. Please understand that it was dire circumstances that caused me to do this and there is no need to sue or take legal action. I have learned my lesson. I will no longer pretend that I am related to the legend ‘cause a nuh er’ry bodi can handle the stress of stardom with his grace and finesse.

decorative-lines-25_large

Till next time, remember to SUBSCRIBE to get your monthly PIECE OF MINE updates. Like my FACEBOOK page or follow me on TWITTER and IG @a_piece_of_mine and as per usual: Live, Love and Laugh a lot!

Copyright © eelasor.com/A Piece Of Mine

Images: Thespillblog.co, giphy.com, ghettyimage.com, RoseMac Michael

 

8 thoughts on “When Pretending To Know Usain Bolt Goes Horribly Wrong

  1. Deborah Bonner

    dis funny fe true. Why yuh lie so Keisha Bree? Me did deh yah a get jealous and a wanda how some people so lucky as fe know de legend…

    Reply
  2. Yvonne

    This reminds me of a similar experience around ’93. I coincided my first trip to Japan with a Sunsplash tour because I knew the Jamaican mgmnt team and some of the artistes and wanted to be around familiar people. I still had my all-access lanyard hanging from my neck as I headed to Kawasaki Stn. after the show. Don’t know why, since there was no resemblance, but someone asked if I was Bob Marley’s sister and I said ‘no, his Mom!’ She asked me to autograph something and I wrote “One Love, Bob Marley’s Mom.” In seconds 2 more, 6 more, dozens more came! As if someone had telegraphed the situation, by the time I arrived at the train station a few minutes later, literally hundreds of people crowded the entrance with pen and paper. I wasn’t embarrassed though, I was just mystified at how gullible they were and continued to sign until I declared I was very tired and needed to get home! Woii… I can still chuckle over that incident!

    Reply
  3. Camelia Shettlesworth

    Keisha, U killing me. Rotfl. Sorry that happened to you but mi love the piece of writing .
    #can’t stop laugh

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *